Friday, November 21, 2008
But now, the skies have parted, a rainbow has appeared, and I have discovered a whole community of people writing, obsessing about black hair. White people may not understand but this is HUGE! There is NOTHING in mainstream media about black hair, except how to get it straight and silky.
Once again, another reason why the internet is great.
Thursday, November 20, 2008
Things I Want to Do/Be
-More connected to what I'm doing
-Thankful for what I have, the person that who I am
-Not put off for tomorrow what I can do today
-Watch less tv
-Maintain a calm mind
-Challenge my mind
-FOCUS. I can't watch tv unless I'm on the internet. I can't focus on just one website, gotta have more windows open. I feel jittery like I have add!
What I WILL Do
-Focus on one thing at a time.
-Write a bit every day (I will begin with at least 15 minutes)
-Remember to breathe
-Do little, inexpensive things to take care of myself
-Be dilligant over my thoughts.
There is so much more, of course, but these are what I will think on right now
Tuesday, November 18, 2008
I realized that when I said I hated you, I was saying that I hate myself.
I am not happy sometimes, it's true. There are dark corners in my mind and sometimes the shadows get longer, cover more space.
I'm sorry. I wish I liked myself more.
Wednesday, November 05, 2008
Wednesday, October 29, 2008
This is an interesting time to be alive. It's certainly an interesting time in my own life. I am working on waking up my brain. I am inspired to care about government, to care about my own future. I can't go back.
I am disapointed with myself because I feel so very many things, and I can't get them out. The words on the page are clumsy sketches. I know certain things are true, I know certain things are so very, very wrong. I don't have anything to do but keep trying.
I am resolved, no matter what the outcome of the election, I have to be involved in government and the way things work and decisions are made. I am resolved that what bit of writing talent I have should be used to speak things that need to be said.
Thursday, October 23, 2008
So, be it resolved that I will do one thing-that-takes-actual-effort a week. I will write about it here.
That is all.
Monday, October 20, 2008
You are 6 months old and big! So Big! I say "hey fat baby!" when I talk to you, which makes you smile, but you're not so much fat, like rolly polly, as you are just a BIG BOY.
I want to take 5 million pictures of you every day, I want to capture your sweet toothless grin and your big wild afro. I want a keepsake to remember your yummy fat legs. The way you frown with concern, the mischievous look you get in your eyes when you tttthhhhh! and blow little beads of spit all over me (gross, kid).
Anyway, you're awsome is what I'm saying. You are my sweet little man. It is the sweet sadness of every parent to know that their growing baby is not the tiny, helpless creature he or she once was - and I am no different. Every day you are growing up and away from me. But I love you. And although some day I'll miss the baby you are right now, I can't wait to kick your butt into being the man that you should be.
I think I've realized a lot of things a lot of people have already realized before: racism exists, organized religion is mostly bullshit, people can be stubbornly stupid, etc.
In other news...my head is full of snot. My nose feels huge, I am a big whiney baby (as usual). The baby has whatever I have, but is actually not whiney at all. This should probably make me ashamed but it doesn't.
That's all for now. Have a great day!
Sunday, October 19, 2008
It's gushing, I know, but I wish I could put into words how truly inspired I am by Sen. Obama. How amazing it is to be able to have another role model to show my son and stepson. How sorely black people in America were missing something huge to be proud of like this.
I've also been inspired to do more, give more, be more active. I've been trying to figure out how.
Saturday, October 11, 2008
As of late, they've been posting lots of Anti-Obama video claiming he is anti-bible (he's a Christian) and somehow linking him to Ferrakhan. I could just un-friend them, but 1. I'm kind of crazy and 2. I like to see how the other half thinks.
Anyway, I had to say something after viewing the "Obama hates the bible video." I tried rationally telling her that it was probably wrong and got a shouty "god is gonna burn down the country in anger" email in reply.
This was my reply, it kind of puts a finger on part of the reason Christians are pissing me off these days.
I guess the point I was trying to make is this: To me, that video was not made to enlighten, to give hope. That video was made so that Christians like you and I could be made fearful and angry. So that we could see that and be hurt "how dare he mock the Bible, that we hold so dear."
But as Christians, what do we have to fear? How can we not be hopeful? What good is it to spread things like that that bring up such negative feelings when the God we worship is so much larger than Obama, McCain, Palin or Biden?
So what if Obama was mocking the bible in that video (which I don't think he was) - think of the Christians who have truly lived in times where Christianity was not only mocked, but outlawed. Those who tried to outlaw it didn't have the power to stop it, and their efforts didn't stop Christians from believing.
I worry that the spread of videos like that one, and others that I've seen posted will only divide us more. And what good is division when the world needs the church so badly!
In that link I sent you, Obama states that he is a Christian. As our Christian brother, I believe we are called to pray for him and love him, even if we don't agree with everything he does. Even as I write this, I am reminding myself that I have to do the same for Sarah Palin, who is not my most favorite person ever.
Our nation's fabric is shredded, but fear and anger won't help. But I think love and prayer will.
Wednesday, September 24, 2008
Ok this might be ugly but I need to get this off my chest.
I just saw that there is a facebook group called "Pray for Sarah palin." This is the problem I have with religion right now. Wouldn't the Godly thing be to start a group called "Pray for our country" or "Pray that the right leader is selected"?
Now, I am an Obama supporter, so I'll admit I'm a bit biased, but I need to know -- what makes Sarah Palin so holy? I know that she is against abortion in any case, but...um...that's about it. I'm not being sarcastic, I really haven't seen anything else.
If we're going by politicians who have publicly declared Christianity, Barack Obama has done that, too.
Christian to me is: Who has she helped? Has she been honest? Has she done good things with her power? Does she look out for her fellow man? I'm not saying she hasn't done these things, I just haven't seen them and I'm wondering if her supporters have, either.
Here's what I want. I want a world where we're not being baked alive by global warming. I want a government that respects my intelligence enough to be honest with me and not give me a bunch of double talk. I want a country where people who have had abortions, are gay, are black, are ugly, are poor, can have a fair shot at a life without fear or shame or intimidation. I want a country that respects and celebrates rational thinking and embraces new ideas.
I don't know. I've had a glass of wine and I'm nervous about my future. But I'd like to hear other opinions, too. I could be wrong.
Thursday, September 18, 2008
Of course, 28 is far from old, but it's not young either. At this point, if you're a trifling fuck-up, you don't have the excuse of inexperience to bail you out. When people talk about you they say you're old enough to know better.
I feel like I have changed a lot in my 27th year. I think I have gotten a lot less lazy, more organized. I am a teeny, tiny step in figuring out what I want out of life. Not that I know, mind you, but I know enough to ask myself what I want.
I have been working on what I think and what I believe lately. I read a post from this guy (link here) where he invokes The Secret and how what you think can become a reality. He was talking about Sarah Palin, her terrifying popularity, and the fear that many have (myself included) that this is just another step toward fear and control and forced religion. So I've been trying to be more positive in my thoughts in that respect. I've never read The Secret and I'm a little wary of Oprah's new-age hokeyness, but I do think what we think becomes our reality.
So, anyway, that made me think about my own life. About how much I fall into playing the victim, how comfortable I am saying "woe-is-me." I thought to myself, I need to envision the life I want, envision yourself powerful and active. And you know what? I couldn't. I can't. I have built quite a hill of passiveness for myself.
Monday, September 08, 2008
Push, push, push took on a whole new meaning for me when I was numb from the waist down and pushing out 8 pounds, 10 ounces of baby boy. It felt just like working out to me. Hard, harder than anythhing. But good, too because I knew something right was happening. I caught the rhythm of how you're supposed to push. The doctor tries to explain it to you, but it can't really be explained -- you just have to get it. It's a cross between pooping and riding out a bubble. Weird and gross, I know, but true for me.
Writing is exhaling, pushing, overcoming, all of the hardest, best things for me. I create a huge junkpile of hopes, wishes, cliches, pains, hurts, fears, successes, failures, everything - and then I have to pick my way over them to come up with, well, this. It's hard but good, too, because I know something right is happening.
Friday, September 05, 2008
I believe you can love God, love your country and love and support Gay and Lesbian friends and family.
I believe in the power of the bible, but I don't believe it should be used as the only basis on which to run my country.
I believe that a woman should have a right to choose whether or not to have an abortion, and that either way, it is my God-given responsibility to love and support her.
I believe that many Christians who sincerely love God and want to do the right thing are being swindled by the Republican party. I believe the things they hold most dear are being used against them in the most cynical, un-Godly way.
I believe that we cannot pander to those who are close-minded and stupid. I believe the days of the lowest-common-denominator are over.
I believe in love and liberty and fairness and responsibility. I believe that I owe it to my country to do my part.
I am a Christian and I am a proud Democrat. Shocker, huh?
Thursday, September 04, 2008
Nice job on your speech last night. I won't insult you by implying you didn't write it yourself. You got a lot of good one-liners in there.
But here's the thing. I'm not buying your story. I don't want "just a mom" (pit-bull or no) a heartbeat away from the presidency. Not that there's anything wrong with being a mom - I recently became one too, and know it's not easy.
What I'm saying is that you guys (Republicans, I mean) already pulled one over on the country by selling your candidate as "one of us" and look where that's gotten us. I don't want my drinking buddy to be my president. And please don't think for a minute I believe you, your hockey team or your "First Guy" will be anything more than a figurehead in the tragic event that John McCain takes office. I'm thinking the plan is: he screw things up some more -- you come out, appeal to the masses with your plain talk, and middle America is happy again.
Which brings me to the subject of words and language. I am offended by you and your party's attempts to downplay Barack Obama as "just words." In a civilized society, words and ideas create change. Words make up the Declaration of Independence. Words make up the Bible for Pete's sake!
And one more thing, because I know you have Trooper-gate to attend to, lets talk about that witty little one-liner about community organizers. I'm going to let you in on a little secret. Community organizers are the heart of this country. They are the ones doing the dirty work - feeding the hungry, housing the homeless, helping single moms (you may know something about that). They are the real agents of change and you just brushed them off.
Thanks for letting me get this off my chest. And just so we're still cool - I must say your hair did look very pretty last night.
Wednesday, September 03, 2008
There is a baby upstairs who is trying to get up a good cry because he's pissed that it's bed time and he's tired.
Giuliani is speaking a bunch of crap at the RNC. They've got the New York skyline behind him for goodness sake! I think he's gonna ride the whole September 11 thing out for as long as he can, even though he obviously didn't win him the presidential nomination. Also: they just showed Palin's knocked-up daughter. Poor kid. Also, AWK-ward. Haven't seen the baby daddy just yet.
Monday, September 01, 2008
Soon, it'll be our first wedding anneversary. I am going to try to overcome my laziness and plan an EVENT with music and food and a cute dress for me.
I like weddings, oh - I went to one today, btw - because they make me think about love and all types of smooshy stuff like that. I actually haven't been to many weddings in my life. A few of my cousins (and I, of course) all got engaged around the same time, so now they (the weddings, I mean) have been coming on like gangbusters. So even though it's mushy, I think it's not bad to get together in a church or some other beautiful space, and think about love for a little while.
Wednesday, August 27, 2008
Tuesday, August 26, 2008
Things I feel I should be doing include: cherishing every precious moment with my son, being happy my current job lets me stay home with him, looking for a new job, eating healthfully.
Instead, I am: revelling in the fact that the kid's asleep, hating the fact that my job is so painfully boring and unstimulating (according to spellcheck, that is not a real word but whatever), not looking for a job because I suck, eating leftover pizza.
Wednesday, August 06, 2008
I made some calls and applied for some jobs yesterday. I hate it, always. But I have to do it because that's the only way I'll get to where I want to be. Where is that? Uh...I dunno, but I'll know it when I find it.
Well, that's not entirely true. I'd like to report, but not like I'm reporting now. I want a voice that is mine - not just generic information. I saw that a few of the places I'm looking at have blogs. One of them has blogs that are lame-o. Maybe that could be a niche I could fill? I think the most important part is reaching out to the outside world. Not being so scared my whole life. I am insulated, that's why I'm stuck in the place (career-wise) that I am now.
Every few months (years?) I find myself looking for art. I get to the point where I'm sick of my brain turning to mush, and start looking for creativity. I guess I'm in one of those cycles now. What will come of it, I wonder?
Monday, August 04, 2008
Though you can't tell it, these shoes are Cute. Very Cute.
These very shoes were on my feet the night I learned what countless adults have learned before me. That is to say, you can't go home again.
The club, or at least, this club, is for those who want to be quickly separated from their money, be hit on by losers and try to make the best of it to horrible, horrible djs.
Also, ladies of the Md.VA.DC area? Matching your earings to your panties is problimatic for many, many reasons.
Thursday, July 31, 2008
-when i was younger, i guess I expected to get married and have a kid, but I never expected it would come so soon, or that I'd still feel like myself.
-I expected to be some kind of high-powered journalist who stomped around in power suits (a la Murphy Brown). Instead, my career has been a little...um...slower in taking off.
-When I was a scrawny, awkward kid, I expected to be hott when I was a teenager, like I was a cast member from Saved by the Bell. Instead, I was a scrawny, awkward teenager. I'm hott now though, so it's ok.
-I had no expectations for who my husband would be, except that he'd be very adult and wear suits a lot (I don't know what it was with me and the suits. My husband says 'fuck' a lot and mostly wears polo shirts -- unless he's doing his all-black architect thing
-I kind of thought it was possible that my child would be ugly. I have no idea why. Anyway, he is cute! Yay!
-Due to a very religious upbringing, I kind of thought I wouldn't even make it to this age, and that I'd be swept up in the Rapture? Which I was supposed to be happy about? But instead dreaded and jumped everytime I heard a loud horn or alarm? Instead, I'm still here. But I'm still a little nervous about the whole rapture thing.
I am currently not so much inside my head as I was last night. As a matter of fact, I am "working," screwing around on the internet and watching Judge Mathis. I don't know why I have this weird attachment to Judge Mathis - he's not as sassy as Judge Judy and doesn't really dig into dumbasses the way she does. Also, he has the sleazy charm of your friend's overconfident, younger-woman loving uncle.
I have been much more enamored of the internet lately. I think because of this year's round of Blogher posts. A lot of the ladies from he blogs I read daily went and I think the whole sense of community and bonding with fellow weirdo writers sounds like a good thing. Especially to me now, when I feel like I'm kind of floundering in that arena.
I actually hate every entry I write on this damned thing and find it incredibly boring. But I think deep down, I'm not a bad writer, just gotta keep at it.
Wednesday, July 30, 2008
In the past few days, I have stumbled upon blogs written by women who have lost very young babies. I have gotten sucked in, and then, suddenly and without much thought, I've cried.
Having the good in life, for me, right now, feels like the bad and dark and painful are lurking around the corner. And who is to say it's not? Those women had perfect innocent beautiful babies. How could we live in a world where such hurt is possible? How can I stop some disease, some sick person, some anything from stealing my baby from me? I want to gather everyone I love around me and keep them there. I want to enjoy my baby without imagining the horrible possibilities.
Saturday, July 26, 2008
I've missed most of it this week because of a conference from work. So today's topic is The Black Woman. Yikes.
The plight of the black women is a touchy, painful subject. There is so much that can't be captured. Our feelings about our hair, our skin, our features. Our feelings about our black men (and sometimes the white women they love). What we can accomplish, what we can expect. We live in a world that has been desegregated, a world where Oprah is the queen of everything, but we still carry wounds that haven't begun to heal.
So far, the show has profiled a single, poor black women who has had 5 children out of wedlock and two single black women who have education, but not a man. But I haven't seen myself. I'm educated, I have a black husband, I feel pretty comfortable in the working world. Am I an anomaly? Just lucky? I don't know, but I do know I've already seen these women. I want to see change, I want to see happy women, successful comfortable everyday women. Am I naive in thinking they are out there?
Tuesday, July 22, 2008
Like right now. I cannot imagine a better scenario that me, kicked back on the old futon with an ice cold coke and some shrimp fried rice watching tv.
Monday, July 21, 2008
Tired because, duh, I'm always tired. Lucky because I get to spend most of my days with my baby (which, since I'm breastfeeding, cuts out a lot of pumping annoyance) but overwhelmed because - oh shit, I spend most of my days with my baby. While "working" (the less that is said about that, especially on the Internet, the better). I feel ungrateful because even though I know life is sweet right now, I can't help but focus on the things I don't have. Well specifically the money I don't have to buy whatever it is I think I want at the moment. But it's also the life I don't have. The courage I don't have. The gumption I don't have.
My husband tells me he gets tired of my whining, which actually makes me feel like I made the right choice in marrying him. I need somebody to kick my butt sometimes. I need to be woken up.
Wednesday, July 16, 2008
The good news is that I'm not nearly as frightened of my baby as I was the last time I wrote here. I can usually tell what he's crying about and I don't feel like I'll never ever leave the house again. I'm not gonna lie though, it's just easier some times to stay home. I can understand how people have kids and get fat and watch tv all the time.
Things that are going on right now are:
-being a momma is forcing me to keep doing stuff even when I want to go to bed
-I feel creatively retarded right now, like I'll never be where I want to be as a writer
-Today, Jerryn and I had our first fight where I was not afraid it would be the end of our relationship...I could let it go for a while without feeling the need to call him immediately and resolve the issue.
Thursday, April 10, 2008
I don't have a hobby. I watch a lot of judge shows. That's what's going on with me right now.
Tuesday, April 08, 2008
I have to get a hold on myself. I have anxiety, which is normal, and I need to remember that. I can't let it rule my life. I will be happy damn it.