shit didn't work out.

Goals

It occured to me today that I don't have any clearly defined goals. They're not even something I think about. I know that I'm not gonna get anywhere unless I figure out where I'd like to go. So I'm using this space to figure some of them out here and now.

-a job that requires storytelling and creativity
-living in a city I love
-knowing what I want and not being uncomfortable with what others think of that

Yeah, that's about all I have for now. Which worries me a bit. I guess I'm just not one of those type-A obsessive compulsive types. I guess I need to be happy with that.

I've been going through a lot of changes very recently that i'm not wholly comfortable with. Right now is a time of change for me. I'm without comfort zones and that makes me anxious.

stuff

wah wah wah
I'm very good at worrying and fretting and thinking.

I'm also hard-headed.

Today is not a good day. Today is an egg-shell day.

Itchy

Recently, I've been feeling...itchy.
Kinda unacomplished, kinda not-quite-unhappy, more than a little uncomfortable.

Things in my life are becoming a little frayed at the edges. Bills aren't getting paid, calls aren't getting returned and I feel like I've been running a little too fast.

Yuck.

It feels like I'm spinning plates, and when everything's in synch - cool. But add another plate, change speeds, change variables, and shit gets crazy quickly.

This sounds sadder and more pathetic than I actually feel. I'm just wondering if I'm ever going to get to the point when I'm not spinning plates and chasing my tail.

Is it the way I'm living my life that has to change? Or the way I'm reacting to change that has to, uh, change.

So here's the thing...I had this boyfriend. We broke up. It was bad. Really, really bad. Like, me not eating for a month and going to the psychiatrist bad.

Then, I was a mess for a really long time. Then, after a while I got better and was happy and learned a lot.

Yay, right?

Well, here's the other thing. The ex broke up with the chick that he dumped me for and started contacting me. Like any self-respecting black chick I gave him the finger-in-the-air-neck-swivle-nuh-uh-no-way. He kept contacting me...I kept saying no...

but.

I didn't really feel like I was saying no because I wanted to say no. I felt like I was saying no cause that's what I was supposed to say.

So we talked...
and talked...
and...eventually...some other stuff.

He says he loves me.

Now, I understand how this looks on paper. I know how this should end.

But for some reason, I feel like I have to try. I think I'll regret it if I don't try.

So there we go. I'm an idiot, I know it, and now, so does the internet. Yay!

truths

1. I love him
2. This feels right
3. I think I've learned what I needed to learn
4. I think he has, too
5. I'm happy with him
6. At some point, you have to jump

This is where I'd like to be in a few years. And it's why I scour blogs every day.

Girl power is corny and reminds me of the spice girls but that's what I think about when I read that entry and that's what I need.

I've been weighing a certain situation involving my heart and a boy for the past few days and the messege I keep telling myself is be strong. Be strong and protect yourself.

"I’ve learned to let it go. The power that is taking care of me... is me. I’m strong and my dreams are coming true. I found the little girl in the mirror who believed in me. I love her."

And I love that.

Links: I think this goes without saying.

Also,she has a thing for William Shatner.

Thinking

I have a problem with the fact that Oprah and Halle are doing the tv movie version of Their Eyes Were Watching God.

It's not a small problem, it's a big problem.

I love the subtle, sexy vibe that Eyes have. I love Zora's lush bold colorful language. And People: Halle just did Catwoman. I'm just sayin.

Although Oprah did play Sophia in my favorite movie of all time.

---

yeah.

So here's a question: Is it ever ok to knowingly make what could be considered a bad decision? Concerning...I don't know...an ex?

Do feelings for another person ever die? And if not, should they be explored? Does using your heart make you dumber?

Perhaps I should leave it at that.

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Yeah, I just realized how pointless and banal this post is. I'll write something better next time. Maybe.

Link 'o Matic: Go here for writing that is actually good.