Thursday, March 19, 2009

Shocking self discovery: If I stop being so damned hard on myself, it's easier to think. When I am angry and fearful, well, I'm too preoccupied with feeling anger and fear to do anything productive.

I already feel a bit more clearheaded. This is a good thing. Thanks, you. :)

Monday, March 16, 2009

I have a theory. I think that I go through phases where I am forced to grow as a person. These phases suck. They are not fun. I question myself and feel like I suck. My husband and I argue. Guess what? Another phase is here!

Honestly, it's a good thing. It makes me think more, question more, write more. It makes me focus on my ultimate goal. And so that's why I'm here, again. Writing. Actually I think that's why I'm here every time I come here.

If I would allow myself to be completely honest, which I guess I am, I feel like I'm falling apart. I feel like I can't. I think about everything else that I've ever read, everything else that has ever been written, and ask why I should even bother. I get scared and run away.

Fear, I think, is what has gotten me into this mess. Fear that I am not good enough and won't ever be. I think writing every day, confronting this fear every day and staring it right in the face, is the only way to actually get where I want to be.

I hope I can commit to my goal of writing every day this week.

Friday, February 13, 2009

Claiming it

This is what will happen. I will go to St. Thomas. We will be properly health-insured, car-insured, money-insured. We will relax. I will be creative. I will eventually quit this job. I will figure out things. I will become less afraid. I will become more creative.