checking in

things are moving quickly in my life right now. work was pretty demanding this week - i was running around actually being a journalist. wedding stuff is on track. the only loose end is my bridal shower. that is actually freaking me out. what if no one comes? where to register? is registering tacky? I think there's the faintest whiff of tacky, but I don't want my 70-something aunt buying me bright red undies either. There are deeper things I want to talk about, but i'm feeling lazy tonight. stories for another time....

Sluggish

I'm writing this so i won't feel bad that I've been in bed, watching TV and talking on the phone for the last two hours.
How do people work full-time jobs and then come home to lead productive lives? I know I need to exercise more and eat my fruits and veggies - but then what would I have to feel guilty about if I did that?

I've been trying really hard to turn my anxiety into positive energy. Pms, or stress, or something has me bitchy and ungrateful and feeling unaccomplished. Instead of buckling under that energy, I've been trying to look at it from a more positive side - it's the part of me that's not happy settling. I'll find my groove because the annoying little bitch who lives inside me won't have it any other way.

I am unforgiving when it comes to certain people. I had a friend who, well, our friendship kind of just unraveled. What started out as a party-girl, together 24/7, I-trust-you kind of friendship kind of de-evolved into phony nicities and phone calls I didn't want to return.

Anyway, like I said, I'm unforgiving. I don't trust a simple hello. I assign everything the particular person does an ulterior motive. I judge, I look down on, I poke fun at. And then, just cause I'm me, I feel guilty.

About Me

About me: I am and will always be goofy. I'm goofy in jeans and a t-shirt and I'll be goofy in a wedding dress. I am, and will always be, hopelessly devoted to Jerryn, Large Sunglasses and Writing. In that order.

I am lazy, wishy-washy and jealous.

I am smart, good conversation and quirky.

I get caught up in the details. I devour books. I write for fun and personal torture.

Jambalaya

I am a jumble of strengths and insecurities.

I'm ashamed of myself. I am strong. I am not ashamed.

I have shame about who I am. I am not good enough just as I am. That's what I'm fighting every day. But I'm a fighter.

There is the load I'm pushing uphill every time I switch on my left brain (right brain?) to write. Every time I stretch myself to change. It's an energy, a responsibility, a weight. I am using my energy to bring about change in myself.

I am not dragging around has-been and was. But there is part of me that wants to.

I've been confronted over the last few years with my real, true self. I hated the parts of me that were ugly. The parts that aren't pretty or photogenic. The parts that no one would want.

But there's beauty, too. I'm working to embrace it.

I've been running away from the work ahead of me because it seems so large, so unfathomable. It was dumped in my lap after I graduated - a big unformed mess.

"There 'ya go," something said. Make something of it. Make something of your self. My words have power and can be used as weapons. They can be wielded.

The future is not something to fear.

Yuck. I can do it.

Only I can have my voice and it's special. There is no other voice like it.

I want

I spend a lot of time thinking about what I want, but if you asked me, I still couldn't tell you.

I want creativity, happiness, comfort.
I want stuff: books, towels, lotion, bath oil.
I want hair that I can go out in the rain with. I don't want the little bumps that spring up on my forehead sometimes.

I want for the life inside my head to match with the one I actually have. I want realities and I don't want to wait for them. I want another job, or to be happier with this one. I want to be good at something. I want to know what that something is.

Uphill

I've been writing for a paycheck for the last hm....four years now. But, writing here feels completely different. I feel like I'm just beginning to think in a different way. Words are harder to find here. But then again, there's no one to interview and no research to do.

I don't feel a spark yet. But I'm going to keep trying.