letter

Dear God,
I am sorry that I am not thankful. I know that you have spread out a banquet for me larger than I need and loaded my arms with more gifts than I could even comprehend.

Thank you.

Thank you for my hills and thank you for my valleys. Thank you for my brain and my heart and the happiness and the sadness.

Thank you for loving me even when I cannot comprehend how to love you back.

Thank you for teaching me lessens. Thank you for deciding that I am even worth teaching lessens. Thank you for dealing with my brattiness, stubborness and hard-headedness while you are teaching me.

I love you.

Your daughter,
me

Lots has been going on in my dreams recently. I'm not sure what, though. I forget about it as soon as I wake up and start thinking about how tired I am. I can, however, remember the grindy-grindy feeling of my brain thinking and thinking as I dream.

I get reminded of bits and pieces of my dreams when I'm awake. That's how I know they're so weighty. Maybe in my subconscious, I'm wading through all the things I'm dealing with in real life.

Just now I was reminded that last night I dreamed of something having to do with babies. There was an image of a cute little brown baby girl in a pink outfit. I also remember that in my dream, someone told me that they dreamed of their baby before they had her. Weird.

Also, I've been dealing with something that's been making me very sad recently. It's really hard and it really sucks. I feel like I'm about to wade through a very thick swamp. Yuck.

The end.

Incomplete

Even though I am making strides, there is so much pain I am still working through. I am an unfinished product. Parts are still raw to the touch.

Although I've heard this before and recognize that it applies to everyone, the truth of it still surprises me. I'm not done yet and I'm not supposed to be.

I think the people who are able to recognize their weakness are the ones who are able to live their lives with grace and simplicity. They don't expect anything but love and effort from themselves and mirror those feelings on to others.

Life for me on days like today is a struggle between what I should do and what I feel. Because there is so much that disapoints me right now it's easy for me to take those feelings, tie them around my ankles and let them drown me. I feel like they're all I know and all I have. When I look around, all I see is what I don't have and how much I've fallen short.

I hate being so touchy-feely all the time. I hate how sad and needy my writing is all the time. But I think that this is what is inside of me right now. To write anything else would be false.

I will not call him
I will not call him
I will not call him
I will not call him
I will not call him

Damn. Today is not a good day.

You
you get on my nerves
are a wonder
a mystery
what goes on behind your eyes

We
don't speak the same language
are without the luxury of a translator
two silly people
full of art and love

Us
can be beautiful, or very sick
can change the world
undoubtedly changed each other

Bad news.
the life that you've been planning for will not get here.
Ever.
Was lost in the mail
or stepped on
was smooshed behind a bookcase in some ugly beige room.

Bad news.
Your hair? The hair in the comercial? Ain't happening.
Skin, neither.
Let's not discuss your ass. It's better that way.
But your teeth aren't half as dingy as I thought they'd be.

Bad news.
Sometimes my creativity fails me
or was never there to begin with.
So, the end.