Destiny's...

Ain't no feeling like being free/ When your mind's made up /And your heart's in the right place

That's how I'm feeling right now. It took me taking a step back to see how weighed down and closed in I was feeling.

I'm like an eagle set free/ And finally I'm looking out for me

The good thing about mistakes is they make you stop and figure out where the hell shit went wrong. I'm at a jumping off point in my life. My mom calls it a crossroads. It's easy to lurch through life just doing things and reacting to things that are done to you. It's time for me to figure out who I am and what I'm doing here.

Time is of the essence/ And it's much too short to waste another minute on you/While you steady trying to hide/ I'm packing saying bye/Thought you were my dream come true

Who knew Beyonce was so wise?

hurty

In a few months, maybe even a few weeks, I'll be fine. But, for now, I'm feeling a bit sore around the heart.

It's not the end of the world. It's not life-threatening. But it's a big step for me. A big change.

I've made at least one decision about how I will live my life. I know one more small thing about love.

um...

what the fuck am I doing?

back-back-forth-and-forth

so he's back. again.

I really think he loves me and cares about me. as crazy as that seems. and i'm drawn to him. which is crazier still. but i'm also terrified. i'm terrified that everything everyone else says is right. terrified that i'm making the wrong choices. terrified that something terrible is going to happen.

i'm drawn to him but what i'm not loving is when the terror overtakes me. when i think "how do I do this?" how does a relationship work? what makes a relationship? how to i shake off the terror? should i shake off the terror? I feel like i'm reaching for him and there's a glass wall between us. Did I build that wall? can it go away?

i'm trying here, people. but i'm so scared.

Cages

Sometimes I think my brain can be my cage. I lock myself up and tell myself what I can't do or what I shouldn't do because I'm scared. I keep wanting to shut down this website because I'm scared my writing is trite and sucky*. I run away from people who love me and care because I'm scared. I make myself uncomfortable around others because I'm scared of what they might be (and probably aren't) thinking.

Fear is a motherfucker and takes away your power.

That's all.




*Which, well, isn't all that far from the truth...but I'm working on it.

Re: Shit

So I wrote a touchy-feely-girly-masturbatory explanation of yesterday's post but, according to blogger, "THERE WERE ERRORS."

Basically, my instincts told me the thing me and my ex had going on wasn't a good idea and I high-tailed it outa there.

It was a mistake and now I'm trying to rectify it and keep up as positive an attitude as I can.

Yeah...

Here's hoping things work out for the best whatever that means.

Have a happy Friday.