letter

Dear God,
I am sorry that I am not thankful. I know that you have spread out a banquet for me larger than I need and loaded my arms with more gifts than I could even comprehend.

Thank you.

Thank you for my hills and thank you for my valleys. Thank you for my brain and my heart and the happiness and the sadness.

Thank you for loving me even when I cannot comprehend how to love you back.

Thank you for teaching me lessens. Thank you for deciding that I am even worth teaching lessens. Thank you for dealing with my brattiness, stubborness and hard-headedness while you are teaching me.

I love you.

Your daughter,
me

Lots has been going on in my dreams recently. I'm not sure what, though. I forget about it as soon as I wake up and start thinking about how tired I am. I can, however, remember the grindy-grindy feeling of my brain thinking and thinking as I dream.

I get reminded of bits and pieces of my dreams when I'm awake. That's how I know they're so weighty. Maybe in my subconscious, I'm wading through all the things I'm dealing with in real life.

Just now I was reminded that last night I dreamed of something having to do with babies. There was an image of a cute little brown baby girl in a pink outfit. I also remember that in my dream, someone told me that they dreamed of their baby before they had her. Weird.

Also, I've been dealing with something that's been making me very sad recently. It's really hard and it really sucks. I feel like I'm about to wade through a very thick swamp. Yuck.

The end.

Incomplete

Even though I am making strides, there is so much pain I am still working through. I am an unfinished product. Parts are still raw to the touch.

Although I've heard this before and recognize that it applies to everyone, the truth of it still surprises me. I'm not done yet and I'm not supposed to be.

I think the people who are able to recognize their weakness are the ones who are able to live their lives with grace and simplicity. They don't expect anything but love and effort from themselves and mirror those feelings on to others.

Life for me on days like today is a struggle between what I should do and what I feel. Because there is so much that disapoints me right now it's easy for me to take those feelings, tie them around my ankles and let them drown me. I feel like they're all I know and all I have. When I look around, all I see is what I don't have and how much I've fallen short.

I hate being so touchy-feely all the time. I hate how sad and needy my writing is all the time. But I think that this is what is inside of me right now. To write anything else would be false.

I will not call him
I will not call him
I will not call him
I will not call him
I will not call him

Damn. Today is not a good day.

You
you get on my nerves
are a wonder
a mystery
what goes on behind your eyes

We
don't speak the same language
are without the luxury of a translator
two silly people
full of art and love

Us
can be beautiful, or very sick
can change the world
undoubtedly changed each other

Bad news.
the life that you've been planning for will not get here.
Ever.
Was lost in the mail
or stepped on
was smooshed behind a bookcase in some ugly beige room.

Bad news.
Your hair? The hair in the comercial? Ain't happening.
Skin, neither.
Let's not discuss your ass. It's better that way.
But your teeth aren't half as dingy as I thought they'd be.

Bad news.
Sometimes my creativity fails me
or was never there to begin with.
So, the end.

Either

Fuck that
Either love me or leave me alone.

Don't be afraid of words
They're a string of playthings
they are sometimes weapons, with edges sharp as knives
but they're fun, too.
They're silly and loving and hard as ice

There's nothing to be afraid of when you're dealing with words
they can be assembled and disassembled as easy as a-b-c

So I'm back.

The only reason for this is that I've been feeling the itch to write. And maybe if I just keep on writing, I'll stumble on to something important, amusing or interesting to say. Or maybe I will be responsible to adding to the big 'ol pile of bullshit that is the internet.

whatever.

I stopped writing when I was becoming more and more swept up in the crazy.

I could spell out all the reasons for the crazy. I could run down the symptoms of the crazy, I could talk about how the crazy felt.

But honestly? I'm a little sick of that. I'm a little sick of myself. I feel like I've spent years of my life waiting to live. Sitting on the sidelines or doing the least little bit so that I still look alive. But it hasn't gotten me anywhere. Well, that's not true. It's gotten me a job which pays the bills which is great - but it's not enough. I feel like I've moved the way a leaf or bit of paper moves when the wind blows it. Not on purpose, not with a purpose, not with a goal.

I'm sick of analyzing why I don't want to do something, why I'm not where I want to be. Goddamit, I just want to be there!

I want to step beyond craziness, fear, anxiety. It's hard and frustruating, enfuriating and, really - it sucks.

But I'm hoping that I'll come out the other end a better, more accomplished, more satisfied person. I think that's what this is about.

The End.

Alter Ego

I have an alter ego. She's a girl I'll call Whiney Little Bitch.
She looks like me, she dresses like me. Bitch even lives with me.

And that's the problem.

When I have a problem, Bitch whispers in my ear how hard it is to fix. When I want to do something, Bitch tells me how scary it is. Bitch says "I can't because..." "It's not fair because..." Bitch tells me that I'm not enough and I never will be.

I hate that bitch.

I've never been in a fight in my life, but the goal these days is to beat that Bitch's ass.

She's been calling the shots around here but that's all about to stop.

Fuck Elton John, this Bitch is back.

church

Three girls walked by, black against the bright perrywinkle sky.
Backs arched to better show off solid, new breasts.
Power. Those breasts gave them power here.

Their hair was done up intricately in braids and curls and bows.
They switched their hips just so.
They walked by, a pack of them.
Their insolent eyes and full red lips challenged me and made me feel flat.

Brain Storming

Item:
-I'd like to get a job in production...doing...something. My dream is to work in documentary film or perhaps a news program with more in-depth reporting. I also think it would be interesting to work in fashion journalism.

Solution:
-Call people who work at/own production companies. Ask for more information. Ask people at work for advice. Internships?
-Start researching graduate programs. What schools would I want to attend, what schools would let me in?
-Join a journalism society like women in media and film(?) or nabj.

Timeline:
-Get phone numbers and call them TODAY.
-Have resume/cover letter COMPLETED SUNDAY.
-get to grad school...eventually

Item:
-I feel like a giant slug. Also, I'm feeling the definite need to kick some ass.

Solution:
-Find a kickboxing class!

Timeline:
Call places today to get prices.

It's all about organization, people.

Retail Therapy

Shit.
It's getting (has been) pretty mopey round about here.
Time for shoes!

we fought last night.
i think.
he told me things he didn't like about me and i felt...
disapointed? scared?
angry.
resentful.
i tried to wrap my brain around the problem and talked...
a lot.

I knew I was being a girl. Being a girlfriend. Yuck.

Everytime we fight I think it's the end. He said it but I already knew it. The best/worst/ugliest/most beautiful thing about relationships is that you can't control how they're going to end. Or if they will end.

If I wasn't so crazy, I'd accept that.

purging

things that are stressing me out:
i don't particularly like my job
i don't know what i want to do
the boy situation is kind of a mess
well, not a mess, exactly...but not completely strong, either
i'm not being responsible with my money
my hair looks like shit
i'm tired of my clothes
i don't call my friends enough
i'm completely disorganized
i need to do laundry
i feel like i never have energy
i'm way too self-absorbed
i want to do something - but i'm not sure what
i don't feel sure in myself
i need to work out more
i need to read more
i want to start taking a yoga class
i want a new pair of shoes
i want to take a painting class

I am fearful that if I am truly myself, he will leave me.
To escape that fear, I try to leave him first.
love - or something - keeps calling me back.
i will confront my fear.
it still may not work out.
i will accept that.

Things I'd Like To Remember

the feeling of his hand in mine
a glimpse of how high I can go
fireworks from the car window
hazy afternoon sun
kisses
touches
fear
joy

Note to self...

Smile!
You look better that way.

That is all...

big dumb love

so here's the thing: I'm in love. probably.
big stupid crazy sloppy smarmy dumb hurty happy love. did i mention stupid?

and here's the other thing: It sucks to be [probably] in love and it messes up your hair and makes you slam doors sometimes and sometimes it makes you stay up all night doin it.

the other thing it sometimes makes you do [if you're me] is look for things to hate in the person. hate them for making you sloppy and emotional and girly. hate them for making you weak and, if you're lucky, hate them for making you grow.

it's very easy to hate someone if they've broken your heart. that gives you enough amunition for days and days and weeks and weeks and makes you push and push and push them away.

and you probably should. maybe.

Destiny's...

Ain't no feeling like being free/ When your mind's made up /And your heart's in the right place

That's how I'm feeling right now. It took me taking a step back to see how weighed down and closed in I was feeling.

I'm like an eagle set free/ And finally I'm looking out for me

The good thing about mistakes is they make you stop and figure out where the hell shit went wrong. I'm at a jumping off point in my life. My mom calls it a crossroads. It's easy to lurch through life just doing things and reacting to things that are done to you. It's time for me to figure out who I am and what I'm doing here.

Time is of the essence/ And it's much too short to waste another minute on you/While you steady trying to hide/ I'm packing saying bye/Thought you were my dream come true

Who knew Beyonce was so wise?

hurty

In a few months, maybe even a few weeks, I'll be fine. But, for now, I'm feeling a bit sore around the heart.

It's not the end of the world. It's not life-threatening. But it's a big step for me. A big change.

I've made at least one decision about how I will live my life. I know one more small thing about love.

um...

what the fuck am I doing?

back-back-forth-and-forth

so he's back. again.

I really think he loves me and cares about me. as crazy as that seems. and i'm drawn to him. which is crazier still. but i'm also terrified. i'm terrified that everything everyone else says is right. terrified that i'm making the wrong choices. terrified that something terrible is going to happen.

i'm drawn to him but what i'm not loving is when the terror overtakes me. when i think "how do I do this?" how does a relationship work? what makes a relationship? how to i shake off the terror? should i shake off the terror? I feel like i'm reaching for him and there's a glass wall between us. Did I build that wall? can it go away?

i'm trying here, people. but i'm so scared.

Cages

Sometimes I think my brain can be my cage. I lock myself up and tell myself what I can't do or what I shouldn't do because I'm scared. I keep wanting to shut down this website because I'm scared my writing is trite and sucky*. I run away from people who love me and care because I'm scared. I make myself uncomfortable around others because I'm scared of what they might be (and probably aren't) thinking.

Fear is a motherfucker and takes away your power.

That's all.




*Which, well, isn't all that far from the truth...but I'm working on it.

Re: Shit

So I wrote a touchy-feely-girly-masturbatory explanation of yesterday's post but, according to blogger, "THERE WERE ERRORS."

Basically, my instincts told me the thing me and my ex had going on wasn't a good idea and I high-tailed it outa there.

It was a mistake and now I'm trying to rectify it and keep up as positive an attitude as I can.

Yeah...

Here's hoping things work out for the best whatever that means.

Have a happy Friday.

shit didn't work out.

Goals

It occured to me today that I don't have any clearly defined goals. They're not even something I think about. I know that I'm not gonna get anywhere unless I figure out where I'd like to go. So I'm using this space to figure some of them out here and now.

-a job that requires storytelling and creativity
-living in a city I love
-knowing what I want and not being uncomfortable with what others think of that

Yeah, that's about all I have for now. Which worries me a bit. I guess I'm just not one of those type-A obsessive compulsive types. I guess I need to be happy with that.

I've been going through a lot of changes very recently that i'm not wholly comfortable with. Right now is a time of change for me. I'm without comfort zones and that makes me anxious.

stuff

wah wah wah
I'm very good at worrying and fretting and thinking.

I'm also hard-headed.

Today is not a good day. Today is an egg-shell day.

Itchy

Recently, I've been feeling...itchy.
Kinda unacomplished, kinda not-quite-unhappy, more than a little uncomfortable.

Things in my life are becoming a little frayed at the edges. Bills aren't getting paid, calls aren't getting returned and I feel like I've been running a little too fast.

Yuck.

It feels like I'm spinning plates, and when everything's in synch - cool. But add another plate, change speeds, change variables, and shit gets crazy quickly.

This sounds sadder and more pathetic than I actually feel. I'm just wondering if I'm ever going to get to the point when I'm not spinning plates and chasing my tail.

Is it the way I'm living my life that has to change? Or the way I'm reacting to change that has to, uh, change.

So here's the thing...I had this boyfriend. We broke up. It was bad. Really, really bad. Like, me not eating for a month and going to the psychiatrist bad.

Then, I was a mess for a really long time. Then, after a while I got better and was happy and learned a lot.

Yay, right?

Well, here's the other thing. The ex broke up with the chick that he dumped me for and started contacting me. Like any self-respecting black chick I gave him the finger-in-the-air-neck-swivle-nuh-uh-no-way. He kept contacting me...I kept saying no...

but.

I didn't really feel like I was saying no because I wanted to say no. I felt like I was saying no cause that's what I was supposed to say.

So we talked...
and talked...
and...eventually...some other stuff.

He says he loves me.

Now, I understand how this looks on paper. I know how this should end.

But for some reason, I feel like I have to try. I think I'll regret it if I don't try.

So there we go. I'm an idiot, I know it, and now, so does the internet. Yay!

truths

1. I love him
2. This feels right
3. I think I've learned what I needed to learn
4. I think he has, too
5. I'm happy with him
6. At some point, you have to jump

This is where I'd like to be in a few years. And it's why I scour blogs every day.

Girl power is corny and reminds me of the spice girls but that's what I think about when I read that entry and that's what I need.

I've been weighing a certain situation involving my heart and a boy for the past few days and the messege I keep telling myself is be strong. Be strong and protect yourself.

"I’ve learned to let it go. The power that is taking care of me... is me. I’m strong and my dreams are coming true. I found the little girl in the mirror who believed in me. I love her."

And I love that.

Links: I think this goes without saying.

Also,she has a thing for William Shatner.

Thinking

I have a problem with the fact that Oprah and Halle are doing the tv movie version of Their Eyes Were Watching God.

It's not a small problem, it's a big problem.

I love the subtle, sexy vibe that Eyes have. I love Zora's lush bold colorful language. And People: Halle just did Catwoman. I'm just sayin.

Although Oprah did play Sophia in my favorite movie of all time.

---

yeah.

So here's a question: Is it ever ok to knowingly make what could be considered a bad decision? Concerning...I don't know...an ex?

Do feelings for another person ever die? And if not, should they be explored? Does using your heart make you dumber?

Perhaps I should leave it at that.

---

Yeah, I just realized how pointless and banal this post is. I'll write something better next time. Maybe.

Link 'o Matic: Go here for writing that is actually good.

I Will/I Will Not

I will write to make myself happy
I will not be a slave to insecurity
I will be happy
I will be responsible
I will make art a part of my life
I will become a great writer
I will be happy where I am
I will not lose sight of my goals
I will not settle
I will not lose
I will remember my blessings
I will make apologies when I am wrong
I will not make apologies for who I am

Friday Things

1. I just spilled an entire bowl of chicken noodle soup on my lap! Yay! And now not only do I look like I peed myself, but have a weird, chickeny smell.

2. I made a date to see my ex-boyfriend next week. I'm engaging in what I like to call voluntary stupidity. I know he's bad for me and I know nothing good can come from it - but I'm doing it anyway. Bleh. It's weird because I think he's taken on this big, added significance because of the ways things ended between us. When I first met him, I wasn't even interested and he's shown me over and over what a bad person he is. I called him yesterday and I was shaking and sweating the entire phone call. I don't think I know what role I want him to play in my life. I've tried to go on like I never even met him over and over but he just comes right the hell back. Yuck.

3.Conversly, I had a sweet, positive interaction with a guy who was genuinely nice for the sake of being nice yesterday. This guy on my job saw me struggling to get snow and ice off my car and came to my rescue! Not only did he make sure my car was snow-free all over (including headlights), but he sprayed my wipers and front and back windshield with de-icer. Yay! It left me with warm fuzzies and hope that there are indeed some good ones left.

4.Wooooo! There will be much shaking of ass and drinking of alchohol tonight. My girl's birthday was yesterday and we will be celebrating at Dream in D.C. Wooooo!

5.Link o' the day: I think I might have my first internet crush, ya'll*. Don't tell anybody though.

*I love how I write like I'm speaking to a great multitude of people. Is anybody out there?

6.That's it, that's all. Happy weekend.

*whew*

The thing about working at a journalistic outlet* located in an area that is neither especially hot or especially cold is that when the weather gets anywhere near either extreme the powers that be FREAK THE FUCK OUT.

So I've been busy all day updating news about maybe 2 inches of snow that's not even sticking in most places ("Roads are fine but it sure is cold! Back to you!).

*Despite the fact that I'm almost positive no one is reading this, I'm still iffy about talking about my job.

Yeah.

Here's something for you to look at while I'm gone.
I love The Manolo.

Shhhhh

Don't tell anybody...but I kinda want to see this this movie.

Here's something you never knew about me: Apparently, I'm not happy unless I'm neurotic.

Not 24 hours after starting this blog, I'm already stressing myself about what to write. The good thing is that I'm kinda by myself in this little corner of the internet - so I can't embarrass myself too much.

But I read so many well-writen, insightful and funny blogs every day (job? what job?)that it's hard not to compare.

My goal, then, is to find my own voice and do my own thing. I've been writing for work for a while now, and I've been told I'm not too bad at it. Now I'd like to see just how far I can go writing for fun.

In other news...
I haven't yet discovered how to set up a blogroll thingy and I'm not even sure if anyone else is reading...but I thought it would be cool to link to other writers I really enjoy.

This here chick's crazy

Allow Me To Reintroduce Myself

Now that I have this blog, I'm not quite sure what to do with it. It's kind of my attempt at writing every day (even though I kinda do write every day).

So I figured I'd try that 101 facts about me that everyone else does at some time or another.

Here we go...

1.I work in journalism
2.It's not that fun
3.But people are usually impressed by that
4.Which is cool
5.I don't have a boyfreind
6.Yeah...
7.I just recently moved outa my momma's house
8.Yay!
9.I am just realizing how daunting this list is
10.Maybe I won't do it all today
11.I'm an excellent procrastinator
12.I have a younger brother
13.I may or may not have a niece
14.We haven't been able to do a blood test
15.I'm funny sometimes
16.I love to read
17.I love art
18.I am both random and specific in my desires
19.I'm 24
20.I'm a libra
21.I read very quickly
22.I used to write poetry
23.I thought this site was gonna be 'theMe'...then it came out 'theme' which i liked also. I'm deep like that
24.I have really good friends
23.I have two best friends
24.I know that i am blessed
25.I was a journalism major in college
26.I went to school in Maryland
27.Until recently, I've had the same address and phone number for my entire life
28.I love my parents fiercely - but rarely tell them
29.I miss the relationship I used to have with my brother
30.I get addicted to blogs that make me laugh out loud
31.I hope this blog doesn't suck
32.I fear this list is getting boring
33.My favorite movie is "The Color Purple"
34.My favorite books is "Their Eyes Were Watching God"
35.I don't have a favorite color - but I'm drawn to different colors at different times
36.My grades in college weren't that spectacular
37.I find comfort in "The Golden Girls" and have seen every episode
37.5.My roomate has met the chick who played Blanche
38.I suck at math
39.No, really, I suck at math
40. My momma got married when she was 37, had me when she was 38, and had my brother when she was 40
41.I have had my heart completely shattered
42.I have seen a psychiatrist
43.Numbers 41 and 42 are indeed related
44.There is one thing I don't think I'll ever tell my parents
45.No, I won't tell you either
46.Jay-Z makes me feel gangsta
47.Britney makes me feel like a kinda sexy (but don't tell anyone)
48.Good music makes me feel
49.Oprah is my hero
50.I am a fan of drinks involving both hennessy and hypnotic and will testify on their behalf
51.Old people and monkeys are always funny
52.I want to learn Italian
53.I'd like to visit France again
54.I love to be by myself
55.I want to one day produce documentaries
56.I wish I had more money
57.I wish I wanted less stuff
58.I wish I read the bible more
59.I wish Oprah would hire me
60.I have unwittingly become an internet nerd
61.I miss having crushes
62.I will give anybody my number after a few drinks
63.Calling me skinny will quickly get you on my bad side
64.I'd like to write here at least 5 times a week
65.I hate to break the rules
66.I'm not good at manipulation
67.I am a good liar
68.I'm not good at being mean - even if they deserve it
69.I want to travel more
70.The three times I've been to New York City have all been for just a few hours
71.My father may be the only good man I know
72.That depresses me
73.Most men I meet end up disappointing me
74.I don't know if that's my fault or theirs
75.I can't imagine being anyone's mother
76.I'd like to one day be someone's wife
77.But not any time soon
78.I worry about my career decisions a lot
79.I'd like to be successful at a fairly young age
80.When they first meet me, people usually think I'm quiet
81.This always surprizes me
82.I think I keep the best parts of my personality hidden from most people
83.I fear rejection
84.I want to conquer that fear
85.I can cook a lil somethin
86.I'm kind of lazy
87.I want to conquer that, too
88.I both hope and dread someone reading this
89.I haven't told anyone I know that I have this blog
90.I wonder if they'll figure it out
91.I hope not.
92.I hope I don't get Dooced
93.Strange people are drawn to me
94.I'm attracted to strange people
95.I'm strange myself
96.I feel weird about cursing on here
98.Even though I curse quite a bit in real life
99.I think I should end this on something positive or profound
100.hm..
101.Yeah, I got nothin'

hello

Hi there.
I've been eyeing this blogging thing for a while now.
I'm finally biting the bullet and trying it out for myself.
Let's see what happens, shall we?