Either

Fuck that
Either love me or leave me alone.

Don't be afraid of words
They're a string of playthings
they are sometimes weapons, with edges sharp as knives
but they're fun, too.
They're silly and loving and hard as ice

There's nothing to be afraid of when you're dealing with words
they can be assembled and disassembled as easy as a-b-c

So I'm back.

The only reason for this is that I've been feeling the itch to write. And maybe if I just keep on writing, I'll stumble on to something important, amusing or interesting to say. Or maybe I will be responsible to adding to the big 'ol pile of bullshit that is the internet.

whatever.

I stopped writing when I was becoming more and more swept up in the crazy.

I could spell out all the reasons for the crazy. I could run down the symptoms of the crazy, I could talk about how the crazy felt.

But honestly? I'm a little sick of that. I'm a little sick of myself. I feel like I've spent years of my life waiting to live. Sitting on the sidelines or doing the least little bit so that I still look alive. But it hasn't gotten me anywhere. Well, that's not true. It's gotten me a job which pays the bills which is great - but it's not enough. I feel like I've moved the way a leaf or bit of paper moves when the wind blows it. Not on purpose, not with a purpose, not with a goal.

I'm sick of analyzing why I don't want to do something, why I'm not where I want to be. Goddamit, I just want to be there!

I want to step beyond craziness, fear, anxiety. It's hard and frustruating, enfuriating and, really - it sucks.

But I'm hoping that I'll come out the other end a better, more accomplished, more satisfied person. I think that's what this is about.

The End.

Alter Ego

I have an alter ego. She's a girl I'll call Whiney Little Bitch.
She looks like me, she dresses like me. Bitch even lives with me.

And that's the problem.

When I have a problem, Bitch whispers in my ear how hard it is to fix. When I want to do something, Bitch tells me how scary it is. Bitch says "I can't because..." "It's not fair because..." Bitch tells me that I'm not enough and I never will be.

I hate that bitch.

I've never been in a fight in my life, but the goal these days is to beat that Bitch's ass.

She's been calling the shots around here but that's all about to stop.

Fuck Elton John, this Bitch is back.

church

Three girls walked by, black against the bright perrywinkle sky.
Backs arched to better show off solid, new breasts.
Power. Those breasts gave them power here.

Their hair was done up intricately in braids and curls and bows.
They switched their hips just so.
They walked by, a pack of them.
Their insolent eyes and full red lips challenged me and made me feel flat.

Brain Storming

Item:
-I'd like to get a job in production...doing...something. My dream is to work in documentary film or perhaps a news program with more in-depth reporting. I also think it would be interesting to work in fashion journalism.

Solution:
-Call people who work at/own production companies. Ask for more information. Ask people at work for advice. Internships?
-Start researching graduate programs. What schools would I want to attend, what schools would let me in?
-Join a journalism society like women in media and film(?) or nabj.

Timeline:
-Get phone numbers and call them TODAY.
-Have resume/cover letter COMPLETED SUNDAY.
-get to grad school...eventually

Item:
-I feel like a giant slug. Also, I'm feeling the definite need to kick some ass.

Solution:
-Find a kickboxing class!

Timeline:
Call places today to get prices.

It's all about organization, people.

Retail Therapy

Shit.
It's getting (has been) pretty mopey round about here.
Time for shoes!

we fought last night.
i think.
he told me things he didn't like about me and i felt...
disapointed? scared?
angry.
resentful.
i tried to wrap my brain around the problem and talked...
a lot.

I knew I was being a girl. Being a girlfriend. Yuck.

Everytime we fight I think it's the end. He said it but I already knew it. The best/worst/ugliest/most beautiful thing about relationships is that you can't control how they're going to end. Or if they will end.

If I wasn't so crazy, I'd accept that.

purging

things that are stressing me out:
i don't particularly like my job
i don't know what i want to do
the boy situation is kind of a mess
well, not a mess, exactly...but not completely strong, either
i'm not being responsible with my money
my hair looks like shit
i'm tired of my clothes
i don't call my friends enough
i'm completely disorganized
i need to do laundry
i feel like i never have energy
i'm way too self-absorbed
i want to do something - but i'm not sure what
i don't feel sure in myself
i need to work out more
i need to read more
i want to start taking a yoga class
i want a new pair of shoes
i want to take a painting class

I am fearful that if I am truly myself, he will leave me.
To escape that fear, I try to leave him first.
love - or something - keeps calling me back.
i will confront my fear.
it still may not work out.
i will accept that.

Things I'd Like To Remember

the feeling of his hand in mine
a glimpse of how high I can go
fireworks from the car window
hazy afternoon sun
kisses
touches
fear
joy

Note to self...

Smile!
You look better that way.

That is all...

big dumb love

so here's the thing: I'm in love. probably.
big stupid crazy sloppy smarmy dumb hurty happy love. did i mention stupid?

and here's the other thing: It sucks to be [probably] in love and it messes up your hair and makes you slam doors sometimes and sometimes it makes you stay up all night doin it.

the other thing it sometimes makes you do [if you're me] is look for things to hate in the person. hate them for making you sloppy and emotional and girly. hate them for making you weak and, if you're lucky, hate them for making you grow.

it's very easy to hate someone if they've broken your heart. that gives you enough amunition for days and days and weeks and weeks and makes you push and push and push them away.

and you probably should. maybe.

Destiny's...

Ain't no feeling like being free/ When your mind's made up /And your heart's in the right place

That's how I'm feeling right now. It took me taking a step back to see how weighed down and closed in I was feeling.

I'm like an eagle set free/ And finally I'm looking out for me

The good thing about mistakes is they make you stop and figure out where the hell shit went wrong. I'm at a jumping off point in my life. My mom calls it a crossroads. It's easy to lurch through life just doing things and reacting to things that are done to you. It's time for me to figure out who I am and what I'm doing here.

Time is of the essence/ And it's much too short to waste another minute on you/While you steady trying to hide/ I'm packing saying bye/Thought you were my dream come true

Who knew Beyonce was so wise?

hurty

In a few months, maybe even a few weeks, I'll be fine. But, for now, I'm feeling a bit sore around the heart.

It's not the end of the world. It's not life-threatening. But it's a big step for me. A big change.

I've made at least one decision about how I will live my life. I know one more small thing about love.

um...

what the fuck am I doing?

back-back-forth-and-forth

so he's back. again.

I really think he loves me and cares about me. as crazy as that seems. and i'm drawn to him. which is crazier still. but i'm also terrified. i'm terrified that everything everyone else says is right. terrified that i'm making the wrong choices. terrified that something terrible is going to happen.

i'm drawn to him but what i'm not loving is when the terror overtakes me. when i think "how do I do this?" how does a relationship work? what makes a relationship? how to i shake off the terror? should i shake off the terror? I feel like i'm reaching for him and there's a glass wall between us. Did I build that wall? can it go away?

i'm trying here, people. but i'm so scared.

Cages

Sometimes I think my brain can be my cage. I lock myself up and tell myself what I can't do or what I shouldn't do because I'm scared. I keep wanting to shut down this website because I'm scared my writing is trite and sucky*. I run away from people who love me and care because I'm scared. I make myself uncomfortable around others because I'm scared of what they might be (and probably aren't) thinking.

Fear is a motherfucker and takes away your power.

That's all.




*Which, well, isn't all that far from the truth...but I'm working on it.

Re: Shit

So I wrote a touchy-feely-girly-masturbatory explanation of yesterday's post but, according to blogger, "THERE WERE ERRORS."

Basically, my instincts told me the thing me and my ex had going on wasn't a good idea and I high-tailed it outa there.

It was a mistake and now I'm trying to rectify it and keep up as positive an attitude as I can.

Yeah...

Here's hoping things work out for the best whatever that means.

Have a happy Friday.

shit didn't work out.