some things I'm thinking about:

1. I feel bad because I'm not doing what I'm supposed to do. I'm not contributing anything to the world. I'm not doing anything to change my job situation.

2. There is a bunch of hurt and anger that I have to deal with. I have to deal with it in a healthy way. This sadness is not hurting anybody but me, and it's not helping me better my situation.

3. I feel sorry for myself.

Taking Stock

One of the hallmarks of insecurity, I think, is the capacity to be knocked on your ass by just a few words.

Today I was reading another blog and the writer was talking about how she fought her way to become a young producer in a newsroom where most of the producers were much older. She wrote about how she's not at the place where, as a producer in New York city, she's blase' about working with the likes of Barbara Walters.

Sigh.

So I thought about me, and how it seems like I'm not even at the beginning of my struggle. Well, that's not entirely true. It's more like I'm stuck on a step. There is so much more I need to do. I have some talent; I'm an ok writer and an ok photogropher. But I know I need more developing. I need to figure out how to get it.

There is so much I'd like to accomplish in my life. I'd like to write and create art. I'd like to work in news. And, if we're gonna go all out, I'd like to have babies and get married to boot.

I need to learn how to sell myself, I need to get the self confidence to talk to people, I need to be the best writer I can be.

things have been so twisted, so absurd, so silly...that there is no more fairytale in our romance.
which sounds bad
but that leaves room for real happiness
which I prefer infinitely.

scared

I'm learning the difference between being afraid and being anxious. When I'm anxious, I am afraid of everything. When I'm anxious there's no floor beneath me and no security anywhere. When I'm anxious, my heart is broken and I don't know why. When I'm anxious, I'm scared and alone. When I'm anxious there is no such thing as reason.

I don't want to live in a life where anxiety can come out of nowhere and incapacitate me. I know it's a funky thing in my brain, and not something that I'm doing 'wrong.' I don't know how to get out of it.

I love you

Hello. It occured to me just now that perhaps you would be interested in knowing what I love.

What's that? You're not? There's no one reading?

Nevertheless, I'll soldier on.

1. I love to take pictures. I do. Even when I don't have a camera with me (I'm without the convenience of a digital camera, I'll catch an interesting scene and kind of hold it in my mind.

2. I love good food. I think this will take some work to explain. I'm a very picky eater, so I'm not one to try anything and everyting. But if something does fit within the parameters of what I'll eat, I'll savor it. Also, I've been skinny all my life. So I think I hold a special place in my heart for things that are deliciously greasy and bad for me. I think they'll give me the hips and boobs and booty I've always wanted.

3. I love to be by myself. That's when I have my best thoughts. And I can be as bitchy and weird as I want.

Frat Boy Magic

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Originally uploaded by lsnowden.1980.

New York City On St. Patty's Day = This times 100

There is happiness out there.. I can get to it.
That's all for now.
Thanks

right now

I've been thinking today about how short-sited I've been about my career. I've been looking at the space in front of me and not at the big picture. There really shouldn't be anything stopping me from being happy right now, in the place I am in right now. Everything in life is temporary. Nothing is promised but right now.

him

I don't want this to be a mistake, this love that I have.
I've been chasing it, then running away for the past year now, and I don't want to run anymore.I want to embrace the fact that I am allowed to be this happy, that I am allowed to grow and blossom into whoever I want to be. I want to really be this lucky, forever.

This is where I am:
In love - sometimes reluctantly so
living in a cute apartment
trying to drink eight glasses of water a day
wondering about my future
leaning on my parents in a completely different way
wanting to be a good writer
craving a cran and vodka
loving my ipod
not hurting today
immersed in the act of living

joy

I don't know if it's the spring in the air or the breakfast in my belly, but I feel good.

I don't have anything else to say really. Just wanted to put that out there to boost the number of non-woe-is-me posts on This Blog(tm).

Kisses!

I am hovering. Waiting.

This can't be who I am or who I'm supposed to be. There is no art here and I long for art. There's no happiness here for me.

I don't care about how well I perform and that hurts me and makes my mind feel dull. My eys are tired of watching the same thing all day long.

I feel trapped and angry. I have to calm down so I can find my way out.

There is more, I know.

Augh!!! What the Fuck??!! JKLAFJKSLKDKFJKDJKFKDK
Seriously.
I am not good at a lot of things.
I can't pay a fucking bill on time to save my life. I'm kind of emotionally retarded. My hair looks like shit sometimes.
But I know two things: a good [fucking] picture and how to write a simple [fucking] story.

So why is it that this fucking place is messing with my two fucking talents.

Jesus and Lordhavemercy.

petty, bitchy me

I'm wearing my unhappiness on the outside and i'm not wearing it well. What I mean is, I'm unhappy and it sucks and I'm being a huge bitch.

I think, maybe, I need to set some goals for myself. And what's the best thing about a goal? The reward! Right?

Anyway, maybe it could go like this: I will have a job by August. That gives me a good 6 months. In August, on August 1, 2006 => I will not only have a new job, but a fabulous article of clothing. This article of clothing must cost at least $250.

It's the shallow little things that make me happy.