Alter Ego

I have an alter ego. She's a girl I'll call Whiney Little Bitch.
She looks like me, she dresses like me. Bitch even lives with me.

And that's the problem.

When I have a problem, Bitch whispers in my ear how hard it is to fix. When I want to do something, Bitch tells me how scary it is. Bitch says "I can't because..." "It's not fair because..." Bitch tells me that I'm not enough and I never will be.

I hate that bitch.

I've never been in a fight in my life, but the goal these days is to beat that Bitch's ass.

She's been calling the shots around here but that's all about to stop.

Fuck Elton John, this Bitch is back.

church

Three girls walked by, black against the bright perrywinkle sky.
Backs arched to better show off solid, new breasts.
Power. Those breasts gave them power here.

Their hair was done up intricately in braids and curls and bows.
They switched their hips just so.
They walked by, a pack of them.
Their insolent eyes and full red lips challenged me and made me feel flat.

Brain Storming

Item:
-I'd like to get a job in production...doing...something. My dream is to work in documentary film or perhaps a news program with more in-depth reporting. I also think it would be interesting to work in fashion journalism.

Solution:
-Call people who work at/own production companies. Ask for more information. Ask people at work for advice. Internships?
-Start researching graduate programs. What schools would I want to attend, what schools would let me in?
-Join a journalism society like women in media and film(?) or nabj.

Timeline:
-Get phone numbers and call them TODAY.
-Have resume/cover letter COMPLETED SUNDAY.
-get to grad school...eventually

Item:
-I feel like a giant slug. Also, I'm feeling the definite need to kick some ass.

Solution:
-Find a kickboxing class!

Timeline:
Call places today to get prices.

It's all about organization, people.

Retail Therapy

Shit.
It's getting (has been) pretty mopey round about here.
Time for shoes!

we fought last night.
i think.
he told me things he didn't like about me and i felt...
disapointed? scared?
angry.
resentful.
i tried to wrap my brain around the problem and talked...
a lot.

I knew I was being a girl. Being a girlfriend. Yuck.

Everytime we fight I think it's the end. He said it but I already knew it. The best/worst/ugliest/most beautiful thing about relationships is that you can't control how they're going to end. Or if they will end.

If I wasn't so crazy, I'd accept that.

purging

things that are stressing me out:
i don't particularly like my job
i don't know what i want to do
the boy situation is kind of a mess
well, not a mess, exactly...but not completely strong, either
i'm not being responsible with my money
my hair looks like shit
i'm tired of my clothes
i don't call my friends enough
i'm completely disorganized
i need to do laundry
i feel like i never have energy
i'm way too self-absorbed
i want to do something - but i'm not sure what
i don't feel sure in myself
i need to work out more
i need to read more
i want to start taking a yoga class
i want a new pair of shoes
i want to take a painting class

I am fearful that if I am truly myself, he will leave me.
To escape that fear, I try to leave him first.
love - or something - keeps calling me back.
i will confront my fear.
it still may not work out.
i will accept that.

Things I'd Like To Remember

the feeling of his hand in mine
a glimpse of how high I can go
fireworks from the car window
hazy afternoon sun
kisses
touches
fear
joy