Shocking self discovery: If I stop being so damned hard on myself, it's easier to think. When I am angry and fearful, well, I'm too preoccupied with feeling anger and fear to do anything productive.

I already feel a bit more clearheaded. This is a good thing. Thanks, you. :)

I have a theory. I think that I go through phases where I am forced to grow as a person. These phases suck. They are not fun. I question myself and feel like I suck. My husband and I argue. Guess what? Another phase is here!

Honestly, it's a good thing. It makes me think more, question more, write more. It makes me focus on my ultimate goal. And so that's why I'm here, again. Writing. Actually I think that's why I'm here every time I come here.

If I would allow myself to be completely honest, which I guess I am, I feel like I'm falling apart. I feel like I can't. I think about everything else that I've ever read, everything else that has ever been written, and ask why I should even bother. I get scared and run away.

Fear, I think, is what has gotten me into this mess. Fear that I am not good enough and won't ever be. I think writing every day, confronting this fear every day and staring it right in the face, is the only way to actually get where I want to be.

I hope I can commit to my goal of writing every day this week.

Claiming it

This is what will happen. I will go to St. Thomas. We will be properly health-insured, car-insured, money-insured. We will relax. I will be creative. I will eventually quit this job. I will figure out things. I will become less afraid. I will become more creative.

I am obsessed with my hair right now. I have been toying with the idea of going natural for several years now. Maybe since high school. But I have never been able to figure out what to do with my hair.

But now, the skies have parted, a rainbow has appeared, and I have discovered a whole community of people writing, obsessing about black hair. White people may not understand but this is HUGE! There is NOTHING in mainstream media about black hair, except how to get it straight and silky.

Once again, another reason why the internet is great.

Self Improvement

I am all about improving myself and my life and becoming a more efficient, happier person.

Things I Want to Do/Be
-More connected to what I'm doing
-Thankful for what I have, the person that who I am
-Not put off for tomorrow what I can do today
-Watch less tv
-Maintain a calm mind
-Challenge my mind
-FOCUS. I can't watch tv unless I'm on the internet. I can't focus on just one website, gotta have more windows open. I feel jittery like I have add!

What I WILL Do
-Focus on one thing at a time.
-Write a bit every day (I will begin with at least 15 minutes)
-Remember to breathe
-Do little, inexpensive things to take care of myself
-Be dilligant over my thoughts.

There is so much more, of course, but these are what I will think on right now

I realized today that when I am screaming at you, I'm screaming at myself.
I realized that when I said I hated you, I was saying that I hate myself.
I am not happy sometimes, it's true. There are dark corners in my mind and sometimes the shadows get longer, cover more space.
I'm sorry. I wish I liked myself more.

It's been a tearful, breathless, happy day.

Obama rally on Monday, Obama win on Tuesday.

I have never been so happy to be tired. I have never been so happy to be African American. What a great day to be alive